I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
