Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
