I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
