I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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