considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
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You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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