My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
