i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
what day is it and did you see me today?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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