went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
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