my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
