Who wears a wallet chain?!
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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