Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
