i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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