if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
