You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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