We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
