Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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