I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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