Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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