Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
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I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
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Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.