Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
You made out with two different species that night
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes