he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me