I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
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Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
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After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
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