oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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