my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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