Can Purell be used as lube?
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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