Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
