Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I cut my penus on the lid.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
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