She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize