Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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