all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
