When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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