apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Girls should come with a carfax report
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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