The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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