Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
