what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
