you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
