I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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