I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
