I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I feel like death gave me a hand job
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
