just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
