Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
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