At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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