Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
My butt remains clenched, sir.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
