handjob tips. give me some.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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