did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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