Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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