I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
