OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
