my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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