I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
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