i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
