we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
