I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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