Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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