thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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