remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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