I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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