gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
