I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
