I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
