it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
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The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
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She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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