I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
