I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
It's blow job season.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
