I think I won the penis lottery.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
